


DAREDEVIL'S RAINY NIGHT: A HARROWING TALE OF MANPAIN

by dytabytes



Category: Daredevil (Comics), Iron Fist (comics), Marvel
Genre: Capslock, Crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-03-09
Updated: 2010-03-09
Packaged: 2017-10-07 20:20:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 833
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/68871
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dytabytes/pseuds/dytabytes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>LOOK AT THE TITLE. LOOK AT IT. THIS IS A HARROWING TALE OF MANPAIN, OKAY? GOD. SOME PEOPLE.</p>
            </blockquote>





	DAREDEVIL'S RAINY NIGHT: A HARROWING TALE OF MANPAIN

IT IS RAINING OUTSIDE AND MATT MURDOCK IS WET

NOT BECAUSE HE DOESN'T HAVE AN UMBRELLA (BECAUSE HE'S A LAWYER AND EVEN THOUGH HE SEEMS TO LOSE EVERY OTHER ISSUE, HE CAN AFFORD ONE)

NO, MATT MURDOCK IS WET BECAUSE HE DOESN'T DESERVE AN UMBRELLA

HE IS A COLD PIT OF DESPAIR AND HIS OUTSIDE SHOULD MATCH HIS INSIDE: DARK AND COLD AND WET AND SMELLING OF DOGS

WELL, MAYBE NOT THAT LAST ONE

LEATHER IS MADE OF COWS, NOT DOGS

SO HERE STANDS MATT MURDOCK, DAREDEVIL, FREEZING AND SMELLING LIKE WET COWS ON A ROOFTOP IN HELL'S KITCHEN

HE DOESN'T ENJOY IT

BUT IT'S NOT LIKE HE DOES THIS FOR FUN

HE DOES IT FOR TRUTH AND JUSTICE AND THE AMERICAN WAY

BECAUSE HITTING PEOPLE WHO ARE DOING THINGS THAT YOU DON'T APPROVE OF IS THE AMERICAN WAY

JUST LOOK AT CAPTAIN AMERICA'S FINE EXAMPLE

THE 'A' ON HIS HEAD DOES NOT STAND FOR FRANCE AND DAMNIT, THE DD ON MATT'S SUIT DOES NOT STAND FOR CUP SIZE

NOT THAT MATT WOULDN'T BE TITASTIC IF HE WERE A LADY, BECAUSE HE TOTALLY WOULD BE

I MEAN, LOOK AT DAT BULGE

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN

AND HELL, COLD WEATHER EVEN CAUSES SHRINKAGE

OH YEAH, WE WENT THERE, SO LET'S MOVE RIGHT ALONG

RECAP: IT'S FUCKING COLD AND WET OUTSIDE

IN THIS KIND OF WEATHER YOU'D HAVE TO BE CRAZY OR STUPID TO BE PRANCING AROUND IN NOTHING MORE THAN WHAT AMOUNTS TO A RED LEATHER BODY CONDOM

LUCKILY FOR THE PEOPLE OF HELL'S KTICHEN, MATT MURDOCK IS AT LEAST ONE OF THOSE TWO AT ANY GIVEN MOMENT

HECK, SOMETIMES HE'S BOTH, WHICH IS WHY HE NEVER GETS INVITED TO THE AVENGERS CHRISTMAS PARTY

NOT THAT HE CARES BECAUSE IT'S BETTER THIS WAY

HE COULDN'T TAKE THE PAIN OF MAKING NEW FRIENDS ONLY TO HAVE THEM GET HURT

AGAIN

BECAUSE EVERYONE DAREDEVIL LOVES?

THEY DIE

AND IF THEY DON'T, THEY GO BATSHIT LOOPITY

GRANTED, MOST OF THE AVENGERS ARE CRAZY ALREADY, BUT MATT FIGURES HE'D BETTER STAY ON THE SAFE SIDE

THAT'S WHAT HE TELLS HIMSELF, AT LEAST

HE TELLS HIMSELF A LOT OF THINGS

FOR SOME REASON HE STILL ENDS UP CRYING INTO HIS PILLOW AT NIGHT

IT IS A VERY SAD THING

SO MATT MURDOCK DOESN'T SLEEP MUCH

AND HEY, WHO NEEDS SLEEP WHEN YOU CAN SIT OUTSIDE IN THE RAIN AND LISTEN TO PEOPLE'S HEARTBEATS?

THAT'S WHAT HE'S DOING RIGHT NOW, BY THE WAY

SITTING OUTSIDE

IN THE RAIN

ON THE ROOF OF DANNY RAND'S HOUSE

LISTENING TO HIS HEARTBEAT

WELL ACTUALLY HE'S LISTENING TO DANNY JACK OFF

BUT WHATEVER

HE'S DOING IT FOR A GOOD REASON

WHAT IF DANNY'S HEART STOPPED IN THE MIDDLE OF WHAT HE'S DOING, HUH?

WHAT THEN?

HE'D BE GLAD THAT MATT WAS AROUND TO WHISK DANNY OFF TO THE NIGHT NURSE IS WHAT

PLUS, IT'S NOT LIKE HE'LL EVER FIND OUT THAT MATT WAS HERE

MATT IS VERY GOOD AT BEING SNEAKY

IT'S WHY HE'S UP IN THE CEILING

LISTENING TO YOU DO IT

HE'D BE WATCHING

BUT HE'S BLIND

OH HEY WAIT

WAIT WHAT'S THAT?

MATT HEARS DANNY SAYING SOMETHING DOWN BELOW

"M- MUH-"

WHAT IS THIS

HAS HIS SWEET KUNG-FU ANGEL FINALLY REALIZED WHO HAS BEEN WAITING IN THE WINGS THIS WHOLE TIME

WAITING PATIENTLY

WITH LOVE IN HIS HEART AND BLANK NOTHINGNESS IN HIS EYES

"MISTY!"

...

WELL SHIT

MATT TRIES TO PRETEND THAT IT'S JUST THE RAIN THAT'S DRIPPING DOWN HIS CHEEKS, BECAUSE REAL MEN DON'T CRY NO MATTER WHAT

HIS MASK COVERS HIS EYES, THOUGH, SO THAT'S AN OBVIOUS LIE RIGHT THERE

HIS FATHER WOULD BE SO DISAPPOINTED IN HIM

MATT TAKES A MOMENT TO LOOK UP AT THE SKY AND SCREAM "I'M SORRY DADDY"

IN RESPONSE, THE CLOUDS SWIRL AND FORM INTO A FACE LIKE THAT OF BATTLIN' JACK MURDOCK'S

OH SHIT IT'S A LION KING REFERENCE

GET IN THE CAR

OH SNAP, WAIT

THEY CAN DO THAT NOW THAT DISNEY OWNS MARVEL

CARRY ON

SO TWO THINGS HAPPEN

FIRST: JACK LOOKS DOWN AT HIS SON AND REALIZES THAT THIS IS POINTLESS BECAUSE MATTY CAN'T FUCKING SEE HIM

HE NEVER FUCKING SEES HIM

WHY THE HELL CAN'T THE POWERS THAT BE GIVE HIM A MICROPHONE OR SOMETHING INSTEAD OF RIPPING OFF STUPID DISNEY FILMS ABOUT LIONS

THE ONLY GOOD CHARACTER WAS THAT CRAZY MONKEY ANYWAY

GOD

SECOND: DANNY STARTLES AND GETS UP TO LOOK OUT HIS WINDOW

SENSING THIS, MATT PANICS AND RUNS OFF THE ROOFTOP

ONLY, HE'S BLIND, SO HE SLIPS IN A PUDDLE

HE COULDN'T FUCKING SEE IT OKAY

OBVIOUSLY IT'S TIME FOR DAREDEVIL TO CUT HIS LOSSES

HE WHIRLS MID-FALL AND CONTORTS INTO A SHAPE SOMEWHAT LIKE THAT OF A WILD PRETZEL IN ORDER TO SHOWCASE THE FLEXIBILITY AND INGENUITY OF HIS CURRENT ARTIST'S PEN

AND THEN HE CATCHES HIMSELF AND FLIES OFF INTO THE DISTANCE

MAYBE HE'LL GO SEE WHAT PETER PARKER IS DOING

SPIDER-MAN HAS A THING FOR REDHEADS RIGHT?

(ANSWER: HELL YEAH HE DOES)

(REDHEADS FUCK REAL GOOD)

(EVEN WOLVERINE KNOWS THAT)

(OOOOOOOOOH)

**Author's Note:**

> THANKS TO [](http://iambickilometer.livejournal.com/profile)[**IAMBIC**](http://iambickilometer.livejournal.com/) FOR THE TITLE. HE'S SO RAD.


End file.
